Day Four

I made it passed the 3 day hump! Well, sorta. :/ See what I've been busy doing was out partying with friends... drinking alcohol. I seriously have such a hard time saying no to a nice drink. It started when my best friend offered me a nice big glass of Jack. Then once I was a little drunk I just started drinking everything: more Jack, vodka, beer, everything. But as far as I can remember I never did eat anything! Even my friends that were around said I didn't so at least there's that. Now I have two things I'm constantly struggling with, food and alcohol. Luckily I'm back home, away from any alcohol but in danger of eating. Not because I can't resist but because we are going out tonight for my brother's birthday. I should be able to slide by with just getting a salad and can easily act like I just got distracted by conversation. I may have to eat a little but I'll keep it at a bare minimum. Sorry guys, I know there are so many people I need to get back to but I just don't have the energy at the moment. I'm going to post a bunch of old tips and quotes later though so I'll get back to you in there! :) Oh, and my weight is currently fluctuating plenty, up from the alcohol, down from dehydration, up from retention of water, etc. Once it levels out I'll post it. Not looking forward to that. :/

Day 3 again

Sorry guys! I've been surprisingly busy! Anyway, I've been doing good and going strong. As soon as I get he time I'll get on and really update and get back tomall of you kind people. Much love, stay strong :)

Day two again

Well I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 140.2! That's less than I weighed before my binge two days ago! Which I did purge everything I could immediately after but still, it's never worked like that for me. And I suppose it does count that I've done everything I could manage in the way of physical excerise, which is why I never did edit my post from yesterday. I fell asleep (very unintentionally) around 6 in the evening yesterday and slept until 5 this morning. I suppose I exhausted myself! Anyway, it feels good to have gotten back on track so quickly, and all of you certainly had a part in that. :) So here we go day 2 once again, which as I said before, is usually pretty easy. I've got sweetener for my coffee and cigarettes now too. My little sister is sick today so I'll be busy taking care of her (both of my parents work now) so I'll have a decent distraction and won't be alone with food all day. I'll update later on today. :) Stay strong today everyone!

Day One. Again...

Needless to say, after yesterday I was terrified to step on the scale this morning. I know it is almost assuredly impossible, but part of me honestly expected me to be all the way up to 150 again. A 9.7 pound gain over one night, crazy right? Anyway, the scale actually read 141.4, an actual gain of 1.1. All I could think of is a fellow bloggers accomplishment of lowering her weight to 111 and her comment of how nice of a number it was, with all the lovely, slim lines. That really drove the disappointment in myself home. But what can one do, something another blogger said was that success lies in picking oneself up and starting again. And so I shall. Maybe soon I can have a loss of 1.1 pounds and be proud of those slim lines as well. With that being said, I'm restarting my seven day fast. However, I will not let myself binge like that again so if it really comes down to it, I'd much rather admit my short comings and set up a very restricted diet to finish out the fast. I feel good though, more confident and determined. I really want to thank everyone for their comments, support, and reassurance. You're all lovely people, thank you so much. I may edit this post later to wrap up the day or I may just wait until tomorrow. Either way, stay strong everyone, and think THIN.

Failure

That's all I am. FAILURE and FAT. Ugh, I couldn't fight it anymore, I ate. That's bull shit, I could fight it but I am too weak. I went into a frenzy to where I was barely even keeping track of calories. I can't even bring myself to tell you what I ate, I'm just not brave enough yet, but I calculated it at around 1000 calories with a little cushion room. 1000 calories. That's a 1000 more than I was supposed to eat for the next 5 days! And then I did something I have only done a handful of times and haven't done in forever. I purged. I crazily, violently purged until I spit gobs of blood. While it is nice knowing I didn't retain all those calories it worries me too. Watch out ladies and gentlemen, this appears to be way more complicated than we originally thought. At least it wasn't hard or complicated in the first place, right? I'm tired. I'm fat and I'm tired and I just want to sleep through all of my disappointment and shame and hatred of myself. But when I wake up it'll all be right there next to me on my pillow. But thankfully, Ana will be right there beneath it giving it purpose and showing me why. I feel all that because I am weak and I messed up. I feel all that because I am going to be beautiful and akinny one day. Thank you

Scared :(

As I stated before, the third day of a fast has always been hard for me. I decided I was going to fast for seven days with only water, coffee with zero calorie sweetener, and secrets. Well guess what? I'm out of fucking sweetener and fucking cigarettes. That is how hard it is for me to keep the supplies I need to fast effectively, my parents won't buy me any of the things I need and any income I have is extremely unreliable. Oh, and to top it all off, I'm going to be stuck at home, by myself, in a house filled with food, for the entire day. If I can make it through this day without eating or losing my mind, I don't even care, I will be damn proud. I can do this. I weigh 140.3 pounds, which is easily 20 pounds more than I want to. I have at least 20 fat, disgusting, repulsive, unattractive pounds covering my body. I simply CAN'T eat today.

Day Two

Another successful day. Again the 30 calories of sugar but I have just got to have my coffee and what I have is too cheap to drink it black. Something unusual happened this evening though, my mother made a full dinner for the whole family which is an extremely unusual occurrence. Roast (I'm vegetarian so that's never a problem), mashed potatoes, rolls, salad, the works. And I didn't have a bit of it, I can honestly say I'm a little proud. Well, without thinking about it too much I can, but in reality I was certainly struggling with it for a bit but when I saw my family eating I was disgusted. I feel terrible saying that about them for I love them dearly but I was, I absolutely was. "How can you just stuff your face? God, you pig, isn't that enough? You're all just a bunch of fat fucks." And then I had my answer, there was no longer any struggle in that moment. There was no possible way I could even put a drop of water in my mouth, in that moment, I didn't want anything to ever enter my body again. *Sigh* I can be such an awful person. Ok, so although I started this blog only a few days ago I've honestly been attempting serious weight loss since September 14 at a starting weight of 150 lbs. I weighed myself, half in high hopes of my successful fasting he last couple of days but also with the fear that the numbers wouldn't be low enough, in fear that the ever high numbers would send me reeling with anger and into an all hopes lost binge. The scale read 140.3 and at first I wanted to scream. "140?! What an enormous, fat, fucking number!" But once the initial, and always lingering, disappointment passed I thought, "ten pounds since I started" "that's not so bad" It's improvement at least, I have to take what I can get, I can't be just as greedy as my family was with there disgusting food. And so, I guess I'm ok with 140.3

Day one...

Success! Well for the most part, I did have 2 tsp of sugar with my coffee (we have run out of zero calorie sweetener) which amounted to 30 calories. I'm ok with that overall though. I didn't binge or consume anything I didn't think carefully about. I have to admit though, it was hard. Not to say no but I just really didn't feel well all day, I was consistently nauseous, and had some serious stomach pains. I feel weak now but sleep should help get some energy back, that is IF I can sleep, I've always had terrible insomnia and sleep patterns. Day two has always been easy for me, day 3 gets hard after that, and then it gets easier again. Ha. Easy is quite an over statement, I suppose I mean not teeth grittingly, hair pulling, thoughts screaming hard. At least I can lay down with a quiet mind for tonight. This blog really has added a little confidence andd peace. I can only hope it will last, though you'd think it would be obvious enough to me by now that it won't.

Seven day fast kick start

I'm starting a seven day fast: water, coffee with zero cal sweetener, and cigarettes will be my staples. I really need a kick start and can not handle this on and off business anymore. It's taking a large toll on my emotional stability, case and point, last night I went to the pantry and while trying to convince myself to walk away empty handed felt on the verge of tears and tugged my hair as hard as I could. Now of course this is not an unusual struggle but normally the stress and conflict is greatly internalized. It's all logical thought and expression not raw emotion and outbursts. I have to get control of my eating before I can get control of my emotions.

A little back story and a few basics would be nice

As far as Blogger and all of you are concerned my name is William. I've always liked that name, proper and delicate. As I said before I am a boy anorexic. More specifically a 19 year old boy who lives in the "Bible Belt" of the United States in a tiny, tiny town. Lucky me hu? No car, no job, no place of my own. Don't be too quick to deem me worhtless, there will be plenty of time and reason for that later. I suppose all of this started three to four years ago. I'm not sure exactly because I was very naive and unaware in the beginning of this. The highest my weight got to was 186 lbs. I'm six feet tall and always carried the weight decently but suddenly, one day (or so it seems now) I was jut disgusted by all of the fat that was consuming my beautiful bones, hiding my beautiful soul. I have a very soft heart and am easily hurt by all the mean in the world. I wanted my body to be a symbol of that: "Look. Can't you see how frail and weak I am. Be careful with me, I break so easy." And so it began. In the beginning I lost weight healthily but quickly realized it came off so much more easily when I just didn't eat. (I smirked to myself at the thought of describing any of this as easy now.) And I suppose somewhere in there I got lost and the anorexia developed or however the hell this happens. The lowest I ever got my weight down to was 123 pounds. Oh how I miss that. See, I had a serious encounter with alcohol these last few months. Not that it makes it ok or gets close to excusing it but it certainly is what happened. It was drinking in excess: five to seven times a week and often two or three times a day. Hundreds of beer cans and dozens of liquer bottles later I am 143 pounds and disgusted once again. Thankfully, the drinking is over and 143 is seven pounds less than the 150 it was just days ago. And so begins my journey and this blog.

What this blog is all about

I have a few reasons for beginning this blog. The biggest reason is because I want to be able to vent about all of this to people who can't pass any judgement on me that will have any serious effect on my emotions and who maybe, just maybe, will understand. Another reason is with the highest of hopes that the accountability that comes with this blog and the possible support will help keep me on track. The final reason is that reading other people's blogs adds some serious peace of mind to my life. It's so nice to just feel understood and relatable. However, I could not for the life of me find a boy blog that was still being updated. So I'm hoping this can be that blog that some other boy needs to feel a little peace or a little understanding. I guess now I have to actually say what this blog is all about. I can't hardly bring myself to type it out, it's like actually admitting it all over again. I am anorexic...

Just another person and another blog...

I've never had a blog before. I've never even kept a personal journal. It makes this seem strange and yet exciting. First I would like to apologize for the plain appearance of my blog, I made it on a mobile device and couldn't easily customize it. You'll just have to bare with me until I can make it to an actual computer. I'd also like to apologize for the string of posts that is soon to ensue but I have a lot that's coming to mind and want to break it into sections so that it's not one, enormous, jumbled post.