Monday, October 31, 2011
Wrong again
He brought a ton of whiskey and I had plenty of it. Ate while I was black out drunk. Ate the next day to tend to my hangover. Bluh. And have been drinkong off and on aonce then. Honestly all I want tomdo tonight is go out and drink again. Anyway, I'm just checking in. I have no energy to do the usual update. But thank you everyone for your encouragement and compliments. Sorry to disappoint. :/ I'll be back as soon as I recollect the alcoholic remnants of myself.
Friday, October 28, 2011
I've made it to the 130s!
Oh my god, you guys have no idea how excited I am! Well, I take that back, you guys are probably the only ones who understand how excited I am. :) Anyway, I've jusy weighed myself and I am 139 pounds exactly. Still high I know but since I've restarted (started this blog) it's the lowest I've been! Also, the mid 130s was always my safety zone for like two or three years straight. It was still higher than I wanted but I just never got above that which was a nice reassurance. This summer was the first time I had broken that and climbed all the way to 150 so it was really discouraging. I had never had to fight that hard or far (since my original loss). On a side note, I know that basically means I've lost 3 pounds in the last day which is highly unlikely. But I did drink those beers so I'm hoping I had retained water and that's why my weight hadn't changed at all yesterday. (actually lost fat weight but was retaining water weight) Sorry, I'm pretty ecstatic and am not quite sure how this post is turning out. xD I supposeI 've said what I wanted, I'll leave it at that for now. Thank you so much everyone for all of your support! I'm really not sure I would've made it without you. Stay strong girls, and if there are any other boys reading this you stay strong too. :)
Two predictions: I'm going to try to update later tonight, maybe just to say how the rest of my day went and to reply to comments. :) Also, I believe my friend is coming over with whiskey tonight. I've already agreed to it but made him promise to not get very much at all. The other problem is that he more than anyone, tries to get me to eat. It's not a rude or concerned attempt he just legitimately believes it's the nice thing to do. Bluh. I'm surprisingly confident I can avoid it though. Wish me luck everyone
Quick Edit: Idk if I ever made this clear but my first goal was to break back into the 130s. Done! So my new short goal is 135, only four pounds away!
Two predictions: I'm going to try to update later tonight, maybe just to say how the rest of my day went and to reply to comments. :) Also, I believe my friend is coming over with whiskey tonight. I've already agreed to it but made him promise to not get very much at all. The other problem is that he more than anyone, tries to get me to eat. It's not a rude or concerned attempt he just legitimately believes it's the nice thing to do. Bluh. I'm surprisingly confident I can avoid it though. Wish me luck everyone
Quick Edit: Idk if I ever made this clear but my first goal was to break back into the 130s. Done! So my new short goal is 135, only four pounds away!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Quick update
Hey everyone!
Just letting you all know I'm still around and doing ok. I still weigh the same, no loss no gain. Kind of disappointing because I am starving but I did drink last night. Just a few drinks though, I didn't get wasted like usual. Oh, and I was out with this kid all night and today so he knew I hadn't eaten in at least 24 hours. He came as close to forcing me to eat, without physically shoving it down my throat, as possible. Asked me if I wanted to eat a dozen times, finally bought me something I didn't even agree to or pick out, and guilt tripped me about wasting it. That's the first time I've ran into that in forever. :/ But it was just this small pastry thing and I only ate a third of it and told him I'd like to save the rest for later. Ha! Threw that shit away as soon as I got home. Oh and I had one piece of vegetarian sushi. So in the last three days I've had a couple spoonfuls of ice cream, half an all veggie sandwich (60 calories in bread), 4 beers, a third of a dumb ass pastry thing, and one piece of sushi. Ugh, it sounds like a lot like that. :/ But I've been hungry as hell the whole time and have lost a little. The beer is what stalled me I think. :/ I just have such a hard time turning down alcohol. Ok, that turned into a longish update, but I'm finished now. ;)
Just letting you all know I'm still around and doing ok. I still weigh the same, no loss no gain. Kind of disappointing because I am starving but I did drink last night. Just a few drinks though, I didn't get wasted like usual. Oh, and I was out with this kid all night and today so he knew I hadn't eaten in at least 24 hours. He came as close to forcing me to eat, without physically shoving it down my throat, as possible. Asked me if I wanted to eat a dozen times, finally bought me something I didn't even agree to or pick out, and guilt tripped me about wasting it. That's the first time I've ran into that in forever. :/ But it was just this small pastry thing and I only ate a third of it and told him I'd like to save the rest for later. Ha! Threw that shit away as soon as I got home. Oh and I had one piece of vegetarian sushi. So in the last three days I've had a couple spoonfuls of ice cream, half an all veggie sandwich (60 calories in bread), 4 beers, a third of a dumb ass pastry thing, and one piece of sushi. Ugh, it sounds like a lot like that. :/ But I've been hungry as hell the whole time and have lost a little. The beer is what stalled me I think. :/ I just have such a hard time turning down alcohol. Ok, that turned into a longish update, but I'm finished now. ;)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Old tips and tricks
Alright, I am finally going to post those old fuckers! (Sorry, I try to keep my vulgar language to a minimum but I hve been trying to do this forever damn it!)
TIPS AND TRICKS
The best cocktail I found (repeatedly) to boost metabolism is a combination of Zinc supplements, Potassium supplements, ans/or kelp pills.
Mint flavored things supress appetite, i.e. tooth paste, gum, mints, etc.
Make eating a routine. Set certain times that you will not eat before or after. Set a certain place that you eat at without distractions. If you are going to eat, focus on it so you have more control and more opportunity to stop when you want, before a binge.
Studies show people will eat less on dark colored plates (black, navy blue, deep violet, etc)
Sittint up straight (with proper posture) is shown to increase natural calorie comsumption by 10% - I have the shittiest posture ever. :/
Vinegar is a natural appetite supressant.
Always allow 3 hours between eating and sleeping. - I almost always go to sleep right after a binge to sleep off the emotions that come with it. :/
Consuming anti heartburn pills (neutralizing stomach acids) can supress hunger.
I don't know how true this one is but it's interesting and makes me hopeful. :) Constantly tap your fingers, feet, etc. "Fidgeting throughout the day is proven to burn up to an extra 800 calories." Like I said, I don't know how true it is.
QUOTES
Don't give up what you want most for what you want in the moment.
Let your bones define the beauty of your body. - That's one of my favorites. c:
When my ribs show, so will my smile.
The difference between want and need is self contol.
Eat to live; don't live to eat.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
You are my obsession... I love you to the bones.
Perfection with a shadow of obsession is my everything.
You ask why? Because the mirror hurts much worse than starving.
I'm not starving to death... I'm starving to beauty.
This is a skill. This is MY skill.
---
Well that's all for now. I have comments to get back to but I believe I'll save that for another post. This one took quite a bit of time. Stay strong everyone. :) We can do this, we are strong, we will be thin! :D
Oh... I weighed in at 142 today. My BMI is 19.5. I'm 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal, 122. God 20 sounds like a lot. At 122 my BMI will be 16.8. Just to put things into perspective.
TIPS AND TRICKS
The best cocktail I found (repeatedly) to boost metabolism is a combination of Zinc supplements, Potassium supplements, ans/or kelp pills.
Mint flavored things supress appetite, i.e. tooth paste, gum, mints, etc.
Make eating a routine. Set certain times that you will not eat before or after. Set a certain place that you eat at without distractions. If you are going to eat, focus on it so you have more control and more opportunity to stop when you want, before a binge.
Studies show people will eat less on dark colored plates (black, navy blue, deep violet, etc)
Sittint up straight (with proper posture) is shown to increase natural calorie comsumption by 10% - I have the shittiest posture ever. :/
Vinegar is a natural appetite supressant.
Always allow 3 hours between eating and sleeping. - I almost always go to sleep right after a binge to sleep off the emotions that come with it. :/
Consuming anti heartburn pills (neutralizing stomach acids) can supress hunger.
I don't know how true this one is but it's interesting and makes me hopeful. :) Constantly tap your fingers, feet, etc. "Fidgeting throughout the day is proven to burn up to an extra 800 calories." Like I said, I don't know how true it is.
QUOTES
Don't give up what you want most for what you want in the moment.
Let your bones define the beauty of your body. - That's one of my favorites. c:
When my ribs show, so will my smile.
The difference between want and need is self contol.
Eat to live; don't live to eat.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
You are my obsession... I love you to the bones.
Perfection with a shadow of obsession is my everything.
You ask why? Because the mirror hurts much worse than starving.
I'm not starving to death... I'm starving to beauty.
This is a skill. This is MY skill.
---
Well that's all for now. I have comments to get back to but I believe I'll save that for another post. This one took quite a bit of time. Stay strong everyone. :) We can do this, we are strong, we will be thin! :D
Oh... I weighed in at 142 today. My BMI is 19.5. I'm 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal, 122. God 20 sounds like a lot. At 122 my BMI will be 16.8. Just to put things into perspective.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I've been doing the bad kind of running
I don't know exactly what's gotten into me. I've got this switch in my brain, a defense mechanism of sorts, that flips when I get the least bit overwhelmed and after that I just avoid anything and everything that could cause me any stress. While this sounds good- like I never get stressed out or let things catch up to me- it's really like having mini nervous breakdowns all the damn time. However, my eati and weight can cause a full blown nervous breakdown after just a few days. So here I am, once again. I have got to stick to this, I have to remember that this is good for me. When I control my eating I feel like I have control in my life and things get to me much less easily, I can handle so much more. As long as I keep falling off the wagon my life will remain in shambles, a bunch of broken pieces that seem impossible to fit together. So anyway...
Survey Answers
1.) What is your weakness (food)? Ice cream, cheese, pasta, potato chips. Yeah a bunch of really bad shit.
2.) What is your safe food? (Something you can eat that is super low in calories but can fend off a binge.) Warning, I'm not staying entirely on topic. Ok, so there are a few things I do to try to stop myself from binging. One is smoke a cigarette. That probably works the best. But at the same time I can only chain smoke for so long and support a $6 per pack habit. The next thing I do is chew gum. Holy shit, I can chew a poece of gum for 24 hoirs straight and said no to food everytime. The thing is, I'm awful at remembering to put a damn piece in my mouth! My final trick, and I really think this is a good one- I make a salad, all spinach with onions, relish, and spicy brown mustard. I know it sounds fucking weird. But all of those foods are considered zero calorie/anti-calorie foods (which I legitimately believe in) and it has so much flavor!
3.) Is there a specific memory you have that you consider the start of your self hatred/loathing (in relation to food/weight)? Ugh. Two in particular. The first, when I was little I had a really bad temper and was very emotional. One time I had made a sandwich and some chips that my mom was giving me a hard time about having too much of. So I got upset, stormed outside and was cursing and kicking (keep in mind I was about 11) but little did i know my mom had followed me outside and she grabbed me by the arm that was holding my plate and food flung everywhere and she yelled at me, blah blah blah. The only feeling that is really associated with that memory is my disgust with myself that I had actually gotten enough food to start that kind of fight. This ian't fun guys... The second memory, me and my older brother were fighting (I was about 12 or 13) I don't even remember what about but I had just made a cup of ice cream and as I finally gave up he made some comment like "Whatever baby, just eat your freaking ice cream."
4.) What is your favorite part of your body? Least favorite? Favorite: collar bones/shoulders, hands. Least: my stomach pooch. I want the god damn thing gone so bad. Muffin top, love handles, chest. All of it is just too chunky. Oh and recently I've also developed this awful layer of fat over my ribs on my back. I'm quickly hating it as much as the rest.
Alright my loves, I'm done for now. That was exhausting. I hope to post again soon. All I've hqd to eat today was two spoonfukls of ice cream, one cup of coffee with brown sugar. <150 calories.
Oh and I weigh 143.8 I'm kind of indifferent on that weight. Less than I thought it was going to be, still way more than I want. Getting closer to not being a fat fuck? It's hard to be happy with a statement like that.
Survey Answers
1.) What is your weakness (food)? Ice cream, cheese, pasta, potato chips. Yeah a bunch of really bad shit.
2.) What is your safe food? (Something you can eat that is super low in calories but can fend off a binge.) Warning, I'm not staying entirely on topic. Ok, so there are a few things I do to try to stop myself from binging. One is smoke a cigarette. That probably works the best. But at the same time I can only chain smoke for so long and support a $6 per pack habit. The next thing I do is chew gum. Holy shit, I can chew a poece of gum for 24 hoirs straight and said no to food everytime. The thing is, I'm awful at remembering to put a damn piece in my mouth! My final trick, and I really think this is a good one- I make a salad, all spinach with onions, relish, and spicy brown mustard. I know it sounds fucking weird. But all of those foods are considered zero calorie/anti-calorie foods (which I legitimately believe in) and it has so much flavor!
3.) Is there a specific memory you have that you consider the start of your self hatred/loathing (in relation to food/weight)? Ugh. Two in particular. The first, when I was little I had a really bad temper and was very emotional. One time I had made a sandwich and some chips that my mom was giving me a hard time about having too much of. So I got upset, stormed outside and was cursing and kicking (keep in mind I was about 11) but little did i know my mom had followed me outside and she grabbed me by the arm that was holding my plate and food flung everywhere and she yelled at me, blah blah blah. The only feeling that is really associated with that memory is my disgust with myself that I had actually gotten enough food to start that kind of fight. This ian't fun guys... The second memory, me and my older brother were fighting (I was about 12 or 13) I don't even remember what about but I had just made a cup of ice cream and as I finally gave up he made some comment like "Whatever baby, just eat your freaking ice cream."
4.) What is your favorite part of your body? Least favorite? Favorite: collar bones/shoulders, hands. Least: my stomach pooch. I want the god damn thing gone so bad. Muffin top, love handles, chest. All of it is just too chunky. Oh and recently I've also developed this awful layer of fat over my ribs on my back. I'm quickly hating it as much as the rest.
Alright my loves, I'm done for now. That was exhausting. I hope to post again soon. All I've hqd to eat today was two spoonfukls of ice cream, one cup of coffee with brown sugar. <150 calories.
Oh and I weigh 143.8 I'm kind of indifferent on that weight. Less than I thought it was going to be, still way more than I want. Getting closer to not being a fat fuck? It's hard to be happy with a statement like that.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Fucking fat fuck
Binged the last two nights. I'm fucking fat. And worthless. I can't even lose 8 fucking pounds. I'm so tired of it. I used to be so good at this. I never ate. I want that back so bad.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Happy!
Hello everyone! :D I am in an incredibly good mood today! One of the reasons is that I went to an awesome show last night! I'd love to say who played but it would give things away pretty badly. It was the first one I had been to in a while and it was so fun. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while, hung out with newish friends, and listened to great music. Just a great night all together. :) This morning I hung out with a friend I haven't seen in forever. She's the sister of one of my best friends from high school who died in an accident so ahe has a very special place in my heart. Also, I've just weighed myself and I'm down to 141.8! How exciting! Idk how I did it, I mean I kind of just haven't been eating. I don't even really think about it, it just doesn't even cross my mind. It's a wonderful way to start things off. So starting at 147 this time with an ultimate goal in mind of 122 that was exactly 25 pounds to lose and I've already lost 5.2 of that! Gosh, it's just a great day. Anyway, I plan on posting again later today, who knows though! Things have been decently crazy lately. Until the next time I do post everyone stay steong and remember why we're doing this.
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