Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Fucking Fat

Even in these last few days since I announced my return, I've struggled with not eating. Idk why, I hate my size, I feel like I'd do anything to lose twenty pounds. I just cannot stay focused. I've got this deep seeded flaw that makes me flee anytime I struggle with myself. I just give up and give in. I don't even half ass it, I make like a complete 180 degree turn and do nearly the exact opposite like somehow that'll drive the stress away. And I suppose it does temporarily but in the end it catches up to me ten fold. That's what my freak out was about a few nights ago. Putting off all the stress finally caught up to me. I freaked, cut, and broke down. Which I know isn't healthy at all and I don't like to do it but it just happens sometimes I suppose. Anyway, I'm going to try to handle things, once again, appropriately so I don't freak. I want to thank everyone who was so quick to accept me back and leave comments as soon as I was back. It's amazing to know I can always come back and I hope to return that support to you. I ate fairly well today. More than I would've liked but still I was in general control. I also worked out tonight which I hardly ever do. This is where I probably differ the most being a boy among girls in this struggle. Although I desperately want to be skinny there is also the macho part of my brain that craves muscle. Don't get me wrong, I hate the bulky look and I'd never desire to be bigger in muscle than the average guy is in total weight. But I do want defined arms and to be confident in my strength. I don't want a six pack but I'd kill for the v-cut some guys have. With that being said, muscle will never come before my desire to be thin. If at any point my build prevents me from being thin I'll despise it as much as I do the fat. So I've got quite a balancing act ahead of me. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble, I'm going to end this post now so I can post again later with more composed and constructive thoughts. Stay strong everyone and stay focused. I love you all.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I'm coming back pt. 2

I'm not going to make false promises or reassurances. I would like to catch up on everyone's blogs and get back to everyone's comments but who fucking knows. Idk. I'm mainly here to blog my thoughts, feelings, and progress. With that being said, I'm still a fat fuck. I weigh 143 pounds, not much has changed. My goal deadline is tomorrow, December 2. I was supposed to be a beautiful 123 pounds but alas. So fuck that deadline and fuck 143 pounds. I'm setting a new deadline, today is Decembwr 1st and I am genuinely excited about the winter season and holidays, I'm determined to make something of the remainder of this year. So my new deadline is December 31st, naturally, one whole month to kick start my new body and life for the new year. I just have to seriously try for one month - eating, excercising, blogging. I will be 123, I will be skinny, I will be beautiful, I will be good enough.

I'm coming back

Idk what to say really. There's so much. I'm crying right now. I know people say it all the time but I really don't cry that often. There's also a huge gash on my thigh. Honestly, I'm glad it's there. I'm probably going to make another. To anyone who is avoiding cutting I advise you skip ahead to the next paragraph. Triggers! To anyone who is sticking with me, reading, I've cut for a few years. Never that seriously, but by that I mean not that often, I've got some scars that would put plenty of cutters to shame. It sounds like I'm bragging, but I'm not. Idk maybe I am, fuck it, you people don't know who I am I don't have to pretend to be modest, humble, or charming. Anyway, I've cut myself before, just those little cuts enough to make you bleed but the skin doesn't really split it just scrapes in a way. Just enough to vent some frustration and agression. But this time, and probably a few dozen times before I reeeally cut. I mean the kind of cut that just splits the skin right in half. You can see down a good quarter inch where there is just a pale blood littered surface. And it brings that kind of pain that just keeps going and going. And as moments pass, your body realizes what has happened and the blood starts to flow. So much blood from one cut... I've tried to kill myself by cutting before too. I've got two huge gashes, one on the top and bottom side of my forearm, up near the elbow. And then six, vertical gashes on my wrist. A few of those are weak. It gets surprisingly hard to keep digging that blade into your skin as you rip it away. Idk how I didn't die that night. I'm glad I didn't but tired I didn't at the same time. Anyway. I'm gonna start a new paragraph so anyone who needed to skip ahead will know...

To anyone who may be concerned, I am NOT going to kill myself. I'm way past that in my life. This is just a rough patch for me, I'll make it through just as everyone else does. Now for another post here shortly...