Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Fucking Fat

Even in these last few days since I announced my return, I've struggled with not eating. Idk why, I hate my size, I feel like I'd do anything to lose twenty pounds. I just cannot stay focused. I've got this deep seeded flaw that makes me flee anytime I struggle with myself. I just give up and give in. I don't even half ass it, I make like a complete 180 degree turn and do nearly the exact opposite like somehow that'll drive the stress away. And I suppose it does temporarily but in the end it catches up to me ten fold. That's what my freak out was about a few nights ago. Putting off all the stress finally caught up to me. I freaked, cut, and broke down. Which I know isn't healthy at all and I don't like to do it but it just happens sometimes I suppose. Anyway, I'm going to try to handle things, once again, appropriately so I don't freak. I want to thank everyone who was so quick to accept me back and leave comments as soon as I was back. It's amazing to know I can always come back and I hope to return that support to you. I ate fairly well today. More than I would've liked but still I was in general control. I also worked out tonight which I hardly ever do. This is where I probably differ the most being a boy among girls in this struggle. Although I desperately want to be skinny there is also the macho part of my brain that craves muscle. Don't get me wrong, I hate the bulky look and I'd never desire to be bigger in muscle than the average guy is in total weight. But I do want defined arms and to be confident in my strength. I don't want a six pack but I'd kill for the v-cut some guys have. With that being said, muscle will never come before my desire to be thin. If at any point my build prevents me from being thin I'll despise it as much as I do the fat. So I've got quite a balancing act ahead of me. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble, I'm going to end this post now so I can post again later with more composed and constructive thoughts. Stay strong everyone and stay focused. I love you all.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I'm coming back pt. 2

I'm not going to make false promises or reassurances. I would like to catch up on everyone's blogs and get back to everyone's comments but who fucking knows. Idk. I'm mainly here to blog my thoughts, feelings, and progress. With that being said, I'm still a fat fuck. I weigh 143 pounds, not much has changed. My goal deadline is tomorrow, December 2. I was supposed to be a beautiful 123 pounds but alas. So fuck that deadline and fuck 143 pounds. I'm setting a new deadline, today is Decembwr 1st and I am genuinely excited about the winter season and holidays, I'm determined to make something of the remainder of this year. So my new deadline is December 31st, naturally, one whole month to kick start my new body and life for the new year. I just have to seriously try for one month - eating, excercising, blogging. I will be 123, I will be skinny, I will be beautiful, I will be good enough.

I'm coming back

Idk what to say really. There's so much. I'm crying right now. I know people say it all the time but I really don't cry that often. There's also a huge gash on my thigh. Honestly, I'm glad it's there. I'm probably going to make another. To anyone who is avoiding cutting I advise you skip ahead to the next paragraph. Triggers! To anyone who is sticking with me, reading, I've cut for a few years. Never that seriously, but by that I mean not that often, I've got some scars that would put plenty of cutters to shame. It sounds like I'm bragging, but I'm not. Idk maybe I am, fuck it, you people don't know who I am I don't have to pretend to be modest, humble, or charming. Anyway, I've cut myself before, just those little cuts enough to make you bleed but the skin doesn't really split it just scrapes in a way. Just enough to vent some frustration and agression. But this time, and probably a few dozen times before I reeeally cut. I mean the kind of cut that just splits the skin right in half. You can see down a good quarter inch where there is just a pale blood littered surface. And it brings that kind of pain that just keeps going and going. And as moments pass, your body realizes what has happened and the blood starts to flow. So much blood from one cut... I've tried to kill myself by cutting before too. I've got two huge gashes, one on the top and bottom side of my forearm, up near the elbow. And then six, vertical gashes on my wrist. A few of those are weak. It gets surprisingly hard to keep digging that blade into your skin as you rip it away. Idk how I didn't die that night. I'm glad I didn't but tired I didn't at the same time. Anyway. I'm gonna start a new paragraph so anyone who needed to skip ahead will know...

To anyone who may be concerned, I am NOT going to kill myself. I'm way past that in my life. This is just a rough patch for me, I'll make it through just as everyone else does. Now for another post here shortly...

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Oh life

I'm now starving strictly to prove a fucking point. To make people worry. Well if everyone in my life is too fucking dumb to realize I'm drownigg here I'll make it easy for them. Maybe they'll realize that something is wrong when I collapse to the fucking floor in front of their faces. Then, when they ask why or what's wrong? "Oh, now you fucking care. Go to fucking hell."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Alright

I've been fucking up. And I'm gaining weight. This isn't a long post it's just admitting that I'm failing so that I'll stop running and avoiding this blog. I'm sorry everyone. I was doing so good but in classic William form, I'm fucking it all up and proving to be a failure.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Random thought

The application I use to track my weight has spinning numbers, like on a slot machine you know? Sometimes I wish it would go all the way around past the numbers to letters that way I could just enter *spins* F *spins* A *spins* T

FAT

Thank fucking god you can spell better than you can do this you FAT FUCK.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Wrong again

He brought a ton of whiskey and I had plenty of it. Ate while I was black out drunk. Ate the next day to tend to my hangover. Bluh. And have been drinkong off and on aonce then. Honestly all I want tomdo tonight is go out and drink again. Anyway, I'm just checking in. I have no energy to do the usual update. But thank you everyone for your encouragement and compliments. Sorry to disappoint. :/ I'll be back as soon as I recollect the alcoholic remnants of myself.

Friday, October 28, 2011

I've made it to the 130s!

Oh my god, you guys have no idea how excited I am! Well, I take that back, you guys are probably the only ones who understand how excited I am. :) Anyway, I've jusy weighed myself and I am 139 pounds exactly. Still high I know but since I've restarted (started this blog) it's the lowest I've been! Also, the mid 130s was always my safety zone for like two or three years straight. It was still higher than I wanted but I just never got above that which was a nice reassurance. This summer was the first time I had broken that and climbed all the way to 150 so it was really discouraging. I had never had to fight that hard or far (since my original loss). On a side note, I know that basically means I've lost 3 pounds in the last day which is highly unlikely. But I did drink those beers so I'm hoping I had retained water and that's why my weight hadn't changed at all yesterday. (actually lost fat weight but was retaining water weight) Sorry, I'm pretty ecstatic and am not quite sure how this post is turning out. xD I supposeI 've said what I wanted, I'll leave it at that for now. Thank you so much everyone for all of your support! I'm really not sure I would've made it without you. Stay strong girls, and if there are any other boys reading this you stay strong too. :)

Two predictions: I'm going to try to update later tonight, maybe just to say how the rest of my day went and to reply to comments. :) Also, I believe my friend is coming over with whiskey tonight. I've already agreed to it but made him promise to not get very much at all. The other problem is that he more than anyone, tries to get me to eat. It's not a rude or concerned attempt he just legitimately believes it's the nice thing to do. Bluh. I'm surprisingly confident I can avoid it though. Wish me luck everyone

Quick Edit: Idk if I ever made this clear but my first goal was to break back into the 130s. Done! So my new short goal is 135, only four pounds away!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Quick update

Hey everyone!

Just letting you all know I'm still around and doing ok. I still weigh the same, no loss no gain. Kind of disappointing because I am starving but I did drink last night. Just a few drinks though, I didn't get wasted like usual. Oh, and I was out with this kid all night and today so he knew I hadn't eaten in at least 24 hours. He came as close to forcing me to eat, without physically shoving it down my throat, as possible. Asked me if I wanted to eat a dozen times, finally bought me something I didn't even agree to or pick out, and guilt tripped me about wasting it. That's the first time I've ran into that in forever. :/ But it was just this small pastry thing and I only ate a third of it and told him I'd like to save the rest for later. Ha! Threw that shit away as soon as I got home. Oh and I had one piece of vegetarian sushi. So in the last three days I've had a couple spoonfuls of ice cream, half an all veggie sandwich (60 calories in bread), 4 beers, a third of a dumb ass pastry thing, and one piece of sushi. Ugh, it sounds like a lot like that. :/ But I've been hungry as hell the whole time and have lost a little. The beer is what stalled me I think. :/ I just have such a hard time turning down alcohol. Ok, that turned into a longish update, but I'm finished now. ;)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Old tips and tricks

Alright, I am finally going to post those old fuckers! (Sorry, I try to keep my vulgar language to a minimum but I hve been trying to do this forever damn it!)

TIPS AND TRICKS

The best cocktail I found (repeatedly) to boost metabolism is a combination of Zinc supplements, Potassium supplements, ans/or kelp pills.

Mint flavored things supress appetite, i.e. tooth paste, gum, mints, etc.

Make eating a routine. Set certain times that you will not eat before or after. Set a certain place that you eat at without distractions. If you are going to eat, focus on it so you have more control and more opportunity to stop when you want, before a binge.

Studies show people will eat less on dark colored plates (black, navy blue, deep violet, etc)

Sittint up straight (with proper posture) is shown to increase natural calorie comsumption by 10% - I have the shittiest posture ever. :/

Vinegar is a natural appetite supressant.

Always allow 3 hours between eating and sleeping. - I almost always go to sleep right after a binge to sleep off the emotions that come with it. :/

Consuming anti heartburn pills (neutralizing stomach acids) can supress hunger.

I don't know how true this one is but it's interesting and makes me hopeful. :) Constantly tap your fingers, feet, etc. "Fidgeting throughout the day is proven to burn up to an extra 800 calories." Like I said, I don't know how true it is.

QUOTES

Don't give up what you want most for what you want in the moment.

Let your bones define the beauty of your body. - That's one of my favorites. c:

When my ribs show, so will my smile.

The difference between want and need is self contol.

Eat to live; don't live to eat.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

You are my obsession... I love you to the bones.

Perfection with a shadow of obsession is my everything.

You ask why? Because the mirror hurts much worse than starving.

I'm not starving to death... I'm starving to beauty.

This is a skill. This is MY skill.

---
Well that's all for now. I have comments to get back to but I believe I'll save that for another post. This one took quite a bit of time. Stay strong everyone. :) We can do this, we are strong, we will be thin! :D

Oh... I weighed in at 142 today. My BMI is 19.5. I'm 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal, 122. God 20 sounds like a lot. At 122 my BMI will be 16.8. Just to put things into perspective.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I've been doing the bad kind of running

I don't know exactly what's gotten into me. I've got this switch in my brain, a defense mechanism of sorts, that flips when I get the least bit overwhelmed and after that I just avoid anything and everything that could cause me any stress. While this sounds good- like I never get stressed out or let things catch up to me- it's really like having mini nervous breakdowns all the damn time. However, my eati and weight can cause a full blown nervous breakdown after just a few days. So here I am, once again. I have got to stick to this, I have to remember that this is good for me. When I control my eating I feel like I have control in my life and things get to me much less easily, I can handle so much more. As long as I keep falling off the wagon my life will remain in shambles, a bunch of broken pieces that seem impossible to fit together. So anyway...

Survey Answers

1.) What is your weakness (food)? Ice cream, cheese, pasta, potato chips. Yeah a bunch of really bad shit.
2.) What is your safe food? (Something you can eat that is super low in calories but can fend off a binge.) Warning, I'm not staying entirely on topic. Ok, so there are a few things I do to try to stop myself from binging. One is smoke a cigarette. That probably works the best. But at the same time I can only chain smoke for so long and support a $6 per pack habit. The next thing I do is chew gum. Holy shit, I can chew a poece of gum for 24 hoirs straight and said no to food everytime. The thing is, I'm awful at remembering to put a damn piece in my mouth! My final trick, and I really think this is a good one- I make a salad, all spinach with onions, relish, and spicy brown mustard. I know it sounds fucking weird. But all of those foods are considered zero calorie/anti-calorie foods (which I legitimately believe in) and it has so much flavor!
3.) Is there a specific memory you have that you consider the start of your self hatred/loathing (in relation to food/weight)? Ugh. Two in particular. The first, when I was little I had a really bad temper and was very emotional. One time I had made a sandwich and some chips that my mom was giving me a hard time about having too much of. So I got upset, stormed outside and was cursing and kicking (keep in mind I was about 11) but little did i know my mom had followed me outside and she grabbed me by the arm that was holding my plate and food flung everywhere and she yelled at me, blah blah blah. The only feeling that is really associated with that memory is my disgust with myself that I had actually gotten enough food to start that kind of fight. This ian't fun guys... The second memory, me and my older brother were fighting (I was about 12 or 13) I don't even remember what about but I had just made a cup of ice cream and as I finally gave up he made some comment like "Whatever baby, just eat your freaking ice cream."
4.) What is your favorite part of your body? Least favorite? Favorite: collar bones/shoulders, hands. Least: my stomach pooch. I want the god damn thing gone so bad. Muffin top, love handles, chest. All of it is just too chunky. Oh and recently I've also developed this awful layer of fat over my ribs on my back. I'm quickly hating it as much as the rest.

Alright my loves, I'm done for now. That was exhausting. I hope to post again soon. All I've hqd to eat today was two spoonfukls of ice cream, one cup of coffee with brown sugar. <150 calories.

Oh and I weigh 143.8 I'm kind of indifferent on that weight. Less than I thought it was going to be, still way more than I want. Getting closer to not being a fat fuck? It's hard to be happy with a statement like that.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Fucking fat fuck

Binged the last two nights. I'm fucking fat. And worthless. I can't even lose 8 fucking pounds. I'm so tired of it. I used to be so good at this. I never ate. I want that back so bad.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Happy!

Hello everyone! :D I am in an incredibly good mood today! One of the reasons is that I went to an awesome show last night! I'd love to say who played but it would give things away pretty badly. It was the first one I had been to in a while and it was so fun. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while, hung out with newish friends, and listened to great music. Just a great night all together. :) This morning I hung out with a friend I haven't seen in forever. She's the sister of one of my best friends from high school who died in an accident so ahe has a very special place in my heart. Also, I've just weighed myself and I'm down to 141.8! How exciting! Idk how I did it, I mean I kind of just haven't been eating. I don't even really think about it, it just doesn't even cross my mind. It's a wonderful way to start things off. So starting at 147 this time with an ultimate goal in mind of 122 that was exactly 25 pounds to lose and I've already lost 5.2 of that! Gosh, it's just a great day. Anyway, I plan on posting again later today, who knows though! Things have been decently crazy lately. Until the next time I do post everyone stay steong and remember why we're doing this.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Comment Replies! :)

Alright everyone, this is one of my favorite parts! Actually getting to talk from you guys and hear what you have to say specifically for me! :) I seriously get butterflies in my stomach every time I see my name written in someone's post or comment. (I know, I am incredibly cheesey) But before I just dive into that, I want to update just a little. I weighed myself just a few minutes ago and I'm at 144.2. That's 2.8 pounds since I restarted two days ago! Which of course it was probably just water weight, excess weight from my alcohol binge, etc. but it still feels good to make a little progress easily in the beginning. I'd also like to say, if there is anyone following me that I'm not following please leave a comment saying so! I do all of my blogging on a mobile device and it makes some things very complicated, like looking at my followers, checking my list of blogs I already do follow, etc. It can be a real pain in the ass. On to the replies!

Beth: Thank you for your encouragement and I'm so pleased I can offer inspiration! I fell off the beaten path there for a bit but I'm back! :) Also, you said something about me pouting pictures a while back. Two problems there, one I have a tattoo that would easily give me away and two I am WAY too shy to do that! I have taken pictures however though, so once I do lose the weight I could do a before and after if I'm brave enough. :)

Per Essere Slanciata: Thank you for keeping with me through my fast, ups and downs. I'm sorry I flakes out on you! I'm trying to catch up on everyone's blogs and once I get caught up on yours I'll definitely have more to say! I hope you've been doing well! Also, you'd mentioned that you like to mix Monster and vodka, have you ever tried Four Loko? It's the best and sounds right up your ally. :)

Kes: I they really hard to just keep fighting. When I was younger I went though a really bad depression and have dealt with giving up before. I'm done with that. I may get beaten way down but I'll keep going some wY or another. :)

Brittany: I know there's no way I could gain 9 pounds in one night! That's just crazy all of this is. Part of my brain was seriously teeing to believe that logically. Crazy stuff :P Anyway, I'm back! I can't wait to catch up on your blog!

A.beautiful.mess: I'm so glad that post title was from P!nk! xD If people heard me belting out to her songs they'd probably think I was gay! Ha ha. But whatever, I just love her. Also, are you naturally a red head? And what color are your eyes? Anyway, I'm glad to be back and it's good to hear from you! Much love!

Scarlett: I'm so glad you commented! Don't ever be worried about your comments being awkward, lucky thing about the Internet is no one can pick up on much like that. ;) I'm just glad to talk with you! :)

Miss Insanity: I know alcohol is so sneaky! It crept up on me once again and stayed for quite a while. :P I've eluded it for now though. Hopefully for a long time! :)

Miss Piggy: I hope you enjoyed yourself last night! ;) I honestly love getting drunk by myself. I can be as stupid as I want and don't have to put up with anyone's bull shit. I'm so sorry about that dumb guy at the bar! That must've been terrible. :/ I can understand why you just left though. Oh and pasta is a huge weakness of mine! Ugh! I swear I should've been born in Italy. Ha ha. P.S. I love that you curse so much because I usually do to and it's pretty liberating to have a vulgar fest with you! Ha ha. Think thin today! Love! :D

If I missed anyone I'm so sorry. It got a little overwhelming trying to catch up with all of that. Anyway, I'm going to post again this evening to update, post tips/quotes, and possibly answer my own survey. That's the plan anyway. Everyone, stay strong today! Think so very thin and tiny, light and airy. Beautiful

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Survey + Update

Well I ended up spending a lot of today running errands for my parents, which is getting kind of old, especially since they're disorganized and tell me everything last minute. The positive side of that though is that I had a lot less time to sit around food all day. I really did decent today, I kept it under 1200 calories, which normally would be pretty upsetting but I have to remember that I'm easing into this. I have to be more careful this time. On the downside I didn't have as much time to blog and catch up with you guys. But that's also ok, I'm easing into this. Gotta keep reminding myself of that.

Survey time! Well, calling it a survey may be a bit excessive, I really just have a few questions that I'd like whoever is willing to answer. :)
1.) What is your weakness (food)?
2.) What is your safe food? Something you can eat that is super low in calories but can fend off a binge.
3.) Is there a specific memory you have that you consider the start of your self hatred/loathing (in relation to food/weight)?
4.) What is your favorite part of your body? Least favorite?

Intermission

I just wanted to say a few things before my next real post. (I'm very critical, so even though my posts aren't incredibly long or creative they often take quite a while to write.) Anywayyy, I'm going to try and post several things today. 1.) A little survey about your habits, secrets, etc. 2.) A post strictly replying to forsaken comments. (I'm sorry) 3.) Those fucking old tips, quotes, etc I kentiojed forever ago. I really want to share those.

Somewhere in the mix of all that, maybe just each time I post, I'll update you guys on how I'm doing today. I don't exactly have a plan today. No fast in mind, calorie limit, anything. Now I don't mean that I'm just going to eat my ass off all day, it's just that I think the huge limitations and amoints of pressure I was putting myself under really overwhelmed me. And that's why I broke. So this time, I'm going to ease into it. If I'm about to break I'll just eat a little something, not fly off the handle and eat and drink for 10+ days. I need to regain (Instead of regain I originally had "get back". Really? What kind of fucking kindergarten vocabulary is that?!) that confident control over food, right now it's this huge, scary monster that sends me reeling out of control. So I guess I do sort of have a plan, just not the typical one. Now hopefully, I don't take for-fucking-ever to "ease into this". I need to lose some weight asap!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Where did the time go...

Hey everyone, I'm back! Hopefully :/ In the last couple of weeks I pretty much fell into an alcohol binge. I've been drunk more of the time than not. I honestly think how hard I was pushing myself and how much I felt pressured to do this overwhelmed me. I broke down and drank. And of course, I've gained weight. I'm all the way back up to 147 pounds. I've been sober for almost two days now and remember what a fat fuck I am. I want to apologize to everyone, we're supposed to be there for each other and I'm supposed to be strong for each and everyone of you. I'm sincerely sorry.

So here we go again! I'm back with you all and I'm back to losing weight! There've been several things that have really demotivated me. 1.) I had a friend tell me the other day that they remembered when I was tiny skinny and how cute it was. I miss that. :/ I miss being told nearly everyday that I'm too skinny or tiny. 2.) My grandma told me the other day "I think I'm finally fattening you up a little bit." What the fuck?! Who the hell thinks that's an ok thing to say? Grand parents I guess. 3.) I'm currently watching the Biggest Loser. I've been fighting back tears the whole time. It's kind of a messed up thing I guess. You'd think I would just be disgusted by all of these fat people, but somehow I still relate to them. And that brings on so many emotions. One I feel like a failure that these people can lose all this weight and I can't. But then I just about lose it because even I can realize that it's really not fair to compare a 150 pound person to a 400 pound person and yet I still do it, I still feel like we're the same and I should be able to lose dozens of pounds like them. Bluh. Very emotional night.

Anyway, I'm back and I am going to lose at least two dozen pounds. I will be skinny and I will be strong. <3 I can't wait to be back with you lovelies and to catch up with everyone's blogs and to offer my support.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Day Four

I made it passed the 3 day hump! Well, sorta. :/ See what I've been busy doing was out partying with friends... drinking alcohol. I seriously have such a hard time saying no to a nice drink. It started when my best friend offered me a nice big glass of Jack. Then once I was a little drunk I just started drinking everything: more Jack, vodka, beer, everything. But as far as I can remember I never did eat anything! Even my friends that were around said I didn't so at least there's that. Now I have two things I'm constantly struggling with, food and alcohol. Luckily I'm back home, away from any alcohol but in danger of eating. Not because I can't resist but because we are going out tonight for my brother's birthday. I should be able to slide by with just getting a salad and can easily act like I just got distracted by conversation. I may have to eat a little but I'll keep it at a bare minimum. Sorry guys, I know there are so many people I need to get back to but I just don't have the energy at the moment. I'm going to post a bunch of old tips and quotes later though so I'll get back to you in there! :) Oh, and my weight is currently fluctuating plenty, up from the alcohol, down from dehydration, up from retention of water, etc. Once it levels out I'll post it. Not looking forward to that. :/

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Day 3 again

Sorry guys! I've been surprisingly busy! Anyway, I've been doing good and going strong. As soon as I get he time I'll get on and really update and get back tomall of you kind people. Much love, stay strong :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Day two again

Well I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 140.2! That's less than I weighed before my binge two days ago! Which I did purge everything I could immediately after but still, it's never worked like that for me. And I suppose it does count that I've done everything I could manage in the way of physical excerise, which is why I never did edit my post from yesterday. I fell asleep (very unintentionally) around 6 in the evening yesterday and slept until 5 this morning. I suppose I exhausted myself! Anyway, it feels good to have gotten back on track so quickly, and all of you certainly had a part in that. :) So here we go day 2 once again, which as I said before, is usually pretty easy. I've got sweetener for my coffee and cigarettes now too. My little sister is sick today so I'll be busy taking care of her (both of my parents work now) so I'll have a decent distraction and won't be alone with food all day. I'll update later on today. :) Stay strong today everyone!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Day One. Again...

Needless to say, after yesterday I was terrified to step on the scale this morning. I know it is almost assuredly impossible, but part of me honestly expected me to be all the way up to 150 again. A 9.7 pound gain over one night, crazy right? Anyway, the scale actually read 141.4, an actual gain of 1.1. All I could think of is a fellow bloggers accomplishment of lowering her weight to 111 and her comment of how nice of a number it was, with all the lovely, slim lines. That really drove the disappointment in myself home. But what can one do, something another blogger said was that success lies in picking oneself up and starting again. And so I shall. Maybe soon I can have a loss of 1.1 pounds and be proud of those slim lines as well. With that being said, I'm restarting my seven day fast. However, I will not let myself binge like that again so if it really comes down to it, I'd much rather admit my short comings and set up a very restricted diet to finish out the fast. I feel good though, more confident and determined. I really want to thank everyone for their comments, support, and reassurance. You're all lovely people, thank you so much. I may edit this post later to wrap up the day or I may just wait until tomorrow. Either way, stay strong everyone, and think THIN.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Failure

That's all I am. FAILURE and FAT. Ugh, I couldn't fight it anymore, I ate. That's bull shit, I could fight it but I am too weak. I went into a frenzy to where I was barely even keeping track of calories. I can't even bring myself to tell you what I ate, I'm just not brave enough yet, but I calculated it at around 1000 calories with a little cushion room. 1000 calories. That's a 1000 more than I was supposed to eat for the next 5 days! And then I did something I have only done a handful of times and haven't done in forever. I purged. I crazily, violently purged until I spit gobs of blood. While it is nice knowing I didn't retain all those calories it worries me too. Watch out ladies and gentlemen, this appears to be way more complicated than we originally thought. At least it wasn't hard or complicated in the first place, right? I'm tired. I'm fat and I'm tired and I just want to sleep through all of my disappointment and shame and hatred of myself. But when I wake up it'll all be right there next to me on my pillow. But thankfully, Ana will be right there beneath it giving it purpose and showing me why. I feel all that because I am weak and I messed up. I feel all that because I am going to be beautiful and akinny one day. Thank you

Scared :(

As I stated before, the third day of a fast has always been hard for me. I decided I was going to fast for seven days with only water, coffee with zero calorie sweetener, and secrets. Well guess what? I'm out of fucking sweetener and fucking cigarettes. That is how hard it is for me to keep the supplies I need to fast effectively, my parents won't buy me any of the things I need and any income I have is extremely unreliable. Oh, and to top it all off, I'm going to be stuck at home, by myself, in a house filled with food, for the entire day. If I can make it through this day without eating or losing my mind, I don't even care, I will be damn proud. I can do this. I weigh 140.3 pounds, which is easily 20 pounds more than I want to. I have at least 20 fat, disgusting, repulsive, unattractive pounds covering my body. I simply CAN'T eat today.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Day Two

Another successful day. Again the 30 calories of sugar but I have just got to have my coffee and what I have is too cheap to drink it black. Something unusual happened this evening though, my mother made a full dinner for the whole family which is an extremely unusual occurrence. Roast (I'm vegetarian so that's never a problem), mashed potatoes, rolls, salad, the works. And I didn't have a bit of it, I can honestly say I'm a little proud. Well, without thinking about it too much I can, but in reality I was certainly struggling with it for a bit but when I saw my family eating I was disgusted. I feel terrible saying that about them for I love them dearly but I was, I absolutely was. "How can you just stuff your face? God, you pig, isn't that enough? You're all just a bunch of fat fucks." And then I had my answer, there was no longer any struggle in that moment. There was no possible way I could even put a drop of water in my mouth, in that moment, I didn't want anything to ever enter my body again. *Sigh* I can be such an awful person. Ok, so although I started this blog only a few days ago I've honestly been attempting serious weight loss since September 14 at a starting weight of 150 lbs. I weighed myself, half in high hopes of my successful fasting he last couple of days but also with the fear that the numbers wouldn't be low enough, in fear that the ever high numbers would send me reeling with anger and into an all hopes lost binge. The scale read 140.3 and at first I wanted to scream. "140?! What an enormous, fat, fucking number!" But once the initial, and always lingering, disappointment passed I thought, "ten pounds since I started" "that's not so bad" It's improvement at least, I have to take what I can get, I can't be just as greedy as my family was with there disgusting food. And so, I guess I'm ok with 140.3

Day one...

Success! Well for the most part, I did have 2 tsp of sugar with my coffee (we have run out of zero calorie sweetener) which amounted to 30 calories. I'm ok with that overall though. I didn't binge or consume anything I didn't think carefully about. I have to admit though, it was hard. Not to say no but I just really didn't feel well all day, I was consistently nauseous, and had some serious stomach pains. I feel weak now but sleep should help get some energy back, that is IF I can sleep, I've always had terrible insomnia and sleep patterns. Day two has always been easy for me, day 3 gets hard after that, and then it gets easier again. Ha. Easy is quite an over statement, I suppose I mean not teeth grittingly, hair pulling, thoughts screaming hard. At least I can lay down with a quiet mind for tonight. This blog really has added a little confidence andd peace. I can only hope it will last, though you'd think it would be obvious enough to me by now that it won't.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Seven day fast kick start

I'm starting a seven day fast: water, coffee with zero cal sweetener, and cigarettes will be my staples. I really need a kick start and can not handle this on and off business anymore. It's taking a large toll on my emotional stability, case and point, last night I went to the pantry and while trying to convince myself to walk away empty handed felt on the verge of tears and tugged my hair as hard as I could. Now of course this is not an unusual struggle but normally the stress and conflict is greatly internalized. It's all logical thought and expression not raw emotion and outbursts. I have to get control of my eating before I can get control of my emotions.

A little back story and a few basics would be nice

As far as Blogger and all of you are concerned my name is William. I've always liked that name, proper and delicate. As I said before I am a boy anorexic. More specifically a 19 year old boy who lives in the "Bible Belt" of the United States in a tiny, tiny town. Lucky me hu? No car, no job, no place of my own. Don't be too quick to deem me worhtless, there will be plenty of time and reason for that later. I suppose all of this started three to four years ago. I'm not sure exactly because I was very naive and unaware in the beginning of this. The highest my weight got to was 186 lbs. I'm six feet tall and always carried the weight decently but suddenly, one day (or so it seems now) I was jut disgusted by all of the fat that was consuming my beautiful bones, hiding my beautiful soul. I have a very soft heart and am easily hurt by all the mean in the world. I wanted my body to be a symbol of that: "Look. Can't you see how frail and weak I am. Be careful with me, I break so easy." And so it began. In the beginning I lost weight healthily but quickly realized it came off so much more easily when I just didn't eat. (I smirked to myself at the thought of describing any of this as easy now.) And I suppose somewhere in there I got lost and the anorexia developed or however the hell this happens. The lowest I ever got my weight down to was 123 pounds. Oh how I miss that. See, I had a serious encounter with alcohol these last few months. Not that it makes it ok or gets close to excusing it but it certainly is what happened. It was drinking in excess: five to seven times a week and often two or three times a day. Hundreds of beer cans and dozens of liquer bottles later I am 143 pounds and disgusted once again. Thankfully, the drinking is over and 143 is seven pounds less than the 150 it was just days ago. And so begins my journey and this blog.

What this blog is all about

I have a few reasons for beginning this blog. The biggest reason is because I want to be able to vent about all of this to people who can't pass any judgement on me that will have any serious effect on my emotions and who maybe, just maybe, will understand. Another reason is with the highest of hopes that the accountability that comes with this blog and the possible support will help keep me on track. The final reason is that reading other people's blogs adds some serious peace of mind to my life. It's so nice to just feel understood and relatable. However, I could not for the life of me find a boy blog that was still being updated. So I'm hoping this can be that blog that some other boy needs to feel a little peace or a little understanding. I guess now I have to actually say what this blog is all about. I can't hardly bring myself to type it out, it's like actually admitting it all over again. I am anorexic...

Just another person and another blog...

I've never had a blog before. I've never even kept a personal journal. It makes this seem strange and yet exciting. First I would like to apologize for the plain appearance of my blog, I made it on a mobile device and couldn't easily customize it. You'll just have to bare with me until I can make it to an actual computer. I'd also like to apologize for the string of posts that is soon to ensue but I have a lot that's coming to mind and want to break it into sections so that it's not one, enormous, jumbled post.