Fucking Fat

Even in these last few days since I announced my return, I've struggled with not eating. Idk why, I hate my size, I feel like I'd do anything to lose twenty pounds. I just cannot stay focused. I've got this deep seeded flaw that makes me flee anytime I struggle with myself. I just give up and give in. I don't even half ass it, I make like a complete 180 degree turn and do nearly the exact opposite like somehow that'll drive the stress away. And I suppose it does temporarily but in the end it catches up to me ten fold. That's what my freak out was about a few nights ago. Putting off all the stress finally caught up to me. I freaked, cut, and broke down. Which I know isn't healthy at all and I don't like to do it but it just happens sometimes I suppose. Anyway, I'm going to try to handle things, once again, appropriately so I don't freak. I want to thank everyone who was so quick to accept me back and leave comments as soon as I was back. It's amazing to know I can always come back and I hope to return that support to you. I ate fairly well today. More than I would've liked but still I was in general control. I also worked out tonight which I hardly ever do. This is where I probably differ the most being a boy among girls in this struggle. Although I desperately want to be skinny there is also the macho part of my brain that craves muscle. Don't get me wrong, I hate the bulky look and I'd never desire to be bigger in muscle than the average guy is in total weight. But I do want defined arms and to be confident in my strength. I don't want a six pack but I'd kill for the v-cut some guys have. With that being said, muscle will never come before my desire to be thin. If at any point my build prevents me from being thin I'll despise it as much as I do the fat. So I've got quite a balancing act ahead of me. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble, I'm going to end this post now so I can post again later with more composed and constructive thoughts. Stay strong everyone and stay focused. I love you all.