Holy Fuck

I feel like shit today and you don't even want to know what the scale says. It's official: food is my fucking enemy. I didn't even eat that much yesterday! Seriously! I'm hoping some weird voodoo, magic, jinx shit is going on right now and tomorrow the scale will be back to normal. HOLY FUCK. I'm still staying positive because even if I really have gained all that weight it just motivates me that much more to put the fucking fork down and starve on. I thought I could take one down without being a crazy person and just eat a couple of things. Well hell no I can't! I have to starve Everyday to get as little as I need to be. Silly William for thinking you could eat.

Celebration

Well, I kind of fucked up today. Not bad but still a fuck up. The evil side of my brain that likes to see me suffer convinced me it was ok to eat since I had done so well and got into the 130's! Well shit on that, I didn't want to eat! But I did. :P Not a whole lot but I'm definitely expecting a gain. And I purged. It was so weird because I didn't even think about it, it just kind of happened. Anyway, my attitude overall is still great and I can't wait to continue losing. Just a minor set back. I hope everyone is doing well, I love you all!

...

Finally got to weigh myself again... I'm back in the 130's! 139.6! Still a ways to go but that was a small victory. c: I've lost 4.6 pounds in the last week. It finally feels like this constant starving is paying off.

Ugly

I'm really struggling with not eating today. And all I want to do is weigh myself. I'm doing good so far. It's so weird that in one moment the two thing you want moat can be to eat and to starve. Anyway, I thought I'd post this video that really helps me. Not necessarily avoid eatin but it helps me feel the emotions that otherwise are just a big tangle and storm. Oh, also I made an e-mail for this blog. It's williamwilltell@yahoo.com Feel free to hit me up. Oh, and the Biggest Loser is on tonight. Hooray!

UGLY

FRUSTRATION

I don't eat anything but 0 cal foods for 2 and a half days and lose only 0.6 pounds?! I am livid. I've had to deny food so many times these last couple of days, I'm absolutely starving, and I've only lost 0.6 pounds! Fuck everything

Hm. I'm terrible at making titles, don't you think? ;)

I don't really have a lot on my mind to say but I figured it had been a little too long withthout an adequate post. I have to keep my lovelies up to date and informed don't I? c: <--- That face right there. I love that face. It's so damn cute! Haha. Since I don't have specific things on my mind I'll probably get sidetracked a lot in this post. My apologies. Well let's see. So in my last post I said I was going to be going out with my grandma for "supplies" and most likely lunch. But in a pleasant turn of events (Whoa. What happened? Shit never turns pleasant! Only worse!) it was a rainy day. Oh how I love rainy days. And on that particular day there was even more reason to love them! My grandma is a big scaredy cat and cancelled on me so she wouldn't have to drive on the wet roads (remember, I've no car). But my mom felt bad for me and took me to the store instead. Three victories: it was rainy, I got my supplies, and I wasn't forced to eat. :) Four gallons of water, a large tin of Folgers Special Blend coffee (something like that anyway), sweet'n'low, powdered creamer, a twelve pack of diet Pepsi, cigarettes. I really couldn't ask for a single thing more. Except maybe my own, private, extra secret scale. ;) It sucks, in a family of seven we only have one scale. It used to be in an easy place to sneak off to but recently my sister took it into her own private bathroom. (Since I always snuck to weigh myself everyone thought she was the only one to use e scale. Damn my ability to hide things sometimes.) So... Oh! I've recently decided to join a ten day fruit fast with my beloved Miss Piggy and possibly others. (You may know her as fat piggy but I am a gentlemen and as such refuse to call her that.) On the off chance that anyone reading my blog is unaware of hers (highly unlikely-she has an overwhelming amount of followers) you should totally check it out. Miss Piggy Yesterday was my first day and was a complete success. :) Oh, I forgot to clarify something though. I fucking hate fruit. Haha. A vegetarian, eating disordered boy who hates fruit. Weird hu? SO. Instead of fruit fasting I'm doing William's Secret Salad Fast. Totally just came up with that. A long time ago I mentioned this salad recipe (if you can call it that). It's basically just a bunch of vegetables (lettuce, spinach, onion, tomato, bell pepper, jalapeno, pepperonchini- whatever I want!) with spicy, brown mustard on top. No dressing, no cheese, no croutons, none of that fat shit! It's basically a zero calorie meal, or close enough that a small walk could burn it off. So that's the plan for the next 9 days: Diet Pepsi, coffee, secret salads. c:

On a small side note, I'm having horrible pains in my stomach at the moment. It's weird because it feels like I'm incredibly full, which is impossible because I haven't eaten anything other than a salad in the last 36 hours. Anyone have any insight? I would love a solution because it is un-fucking-comfortable.

Alright lovelies, that's all I can collect from my mind at the moment. Hope to see as many new posts and comments as possible! I love you all! Stay strong today, don't give in or give up. We all want and need this. c:

Quick Edit: I weighed yesterday morning and was 142.4 pounds. A little frustrating since at my return I weighed 142 even but whatever. I did go out with friends and drink quite a bit, blah, blah, blah.

Just a little something

Alright, late at night I always browse pictures for thinspo. Here's the trouble I have: 90% of adult (late 20's and up) guys that are "thin" are too muscular or way too sickly looking. So that leaves me with looking up younger skinny guys, something I can relate to better seeing as I'm only twenty. Well I fucki dare you to go search "skinny teen guy" or "skinny young guy" and 90% of your results will be damn porn. It's so frustrating! I'm just trying to find some inspiration to be skinny and have to see thousands of cocks. Sorry to be crude but god damn, I guess guys really can't keep it in their pants. :P Anyway, tonight I found the most perfect picture ever. It fills me with jealousy and wonder and a lust unlike any other to be thin. I just had to share it with you all. :)

Side note: I'm going out with my grandma today and I'm sure she'll want to get lunch. She is my biggest enemy about food, I love her to death but she has NO sensitivity. She always gives me shit about not eating and being too thin. The only thing she does more than that is notice when I've gained weight and she always comments on it. A while back I mentioned her saying something about "finally fattening me up some". Ugh, I could kill'er. But I really do love her. :) On the bright side I'll be able to get some helpful supplies: gallons of water, new coffee, coffee filters, diet pepsi, cigarettes. All that good weight-gain proof stuff. Wish me luck lovelies. <3

Quick check in...

Just letting you guys know I'm still going strong. :) I had just been out of town for what feels like forever. I don't like updating on any of my friends' computers either. (We all know how that goes.) Anyway, it's late and I'm tired so I'll wrap it up. Oh! And I wanted to post this amazing picture. Perfect thinspo for me. I'll post and read more tomorrow, stay strong ladies! (and gentlemen if you happen to be reading)

Wine Night!

I don't give a shit. I ate pretty good today. I drank sweet tea and a quarterish glass of juice and Coke. When I'm starting out I'm decently ok with liquids because it helps me with solids so much. Other than the liquids I ate one piece of veggie pizza. Pretty small piece, didn't eat the crust and quit a good half inch before that even. Pretty proud over all. :)

I'm catching up! Read a few blogs but damn I missed so much. I feel like such an ass. :/ I'll make up for it though. :)

Oh and as for the title... Yeah. I'm pretty wasted. Haha. I love winnneeee! :D

II'mmm baaack!

Hello to my favorite, little group!

I'm not sure exactly what to say for myself. I got caught up in shit, let little things get in the way, had some complications. But ultimately I just gave up with no valid excuses. BUT. I'm back. And oh does it feel good. So, so, so good. Hm. Let's see.

I'm sorry to everyone for not being there for you over the past couple of months. For not being a part of all of this with you. I know you will all understand but I am sorry regardless. That's what's so great about us isn't it? We Always understand. Because we've been there, we've been through so much, we go through So much. And I'm ready to go through it all with all of you, once again. c:

I'm going to try my very, very best to catch up on everything I missed through December and January. But I have to be honest with myself; there are so many blogs and so many posts. But every little one of those is so dear to me as are all of you. Hm. I guess I should fill you guys in on what you missed too. Fair trade right? Well, not a whole lot in all honesty. Drinking, getting fat, despising myself. All in all it was a vey unpleasant time. I tried to run and hide from this struggle, this fight (among oher things) for some time. It had just all become too much. Well I did just that, I ran for as long as I could but, as the saying goes, I couldn't hide. It found me every day, with every piece of food that passed my lips. And it hurt. Alas, I can't run or hide from this. How could I? It's who I am, it's What I am. So here I am, I've accepted the truth and I'm back. And I feel better about that than I have about anything in a long time. I guess if there's any silver lining to my absence it's that I didn't gain any weight. Well at least overall. There were time when the numbers climbed but in true Ana form there were times when they fell too. When I first decided to try and get back to this, to my ways, just in this last week I weighed 146.6. And now I'm down to 142 flat. Not a good weight at all but a good little start for my return.

Oh. And I also turned twenty while I was away. Hooray.

I suppose I'll wrap things up for now. But you can bet your ass there will be more. ;) I'm so excited and feel so good. I can't wait to hear from my lovelies and see how you've been doing. Lots of love and hope, William (God I missed that name.)