Day Two

Another successful day. Again the 30 calories of sugar but I have just got to have my coffee and what I have is too cheap to drink it black. Something unusual happened this evening though, my mother made a full dinner for the whole family which is an extremely unusual occurrence. Roast (I'm vegetarian so that's never a problem), mashed potatoes, rolls, salad, the works. And I didn't have a bit of it, I can honestly say I'm a little proud. Well, without thinking about it too much I can, but in reality I was certainly struggling with it for a bit but when I saw my family eating I was disgusted. I feel terrible saying that about them for I love them dearly but I was, I absolutely was. "How can you just stuff your face? God, you pig, isn't that enough? You're all just a bunch of fat fucks." And then I had my answer, there was no longer any struggle in that moment. There was no possible way I could even put a drop of water in my mouth, in that moment, I didn't want anything to ever enter my body again. *Sigh* I can be such an awful person. Ok, so although I started this blog only a few days ago I've honestly been attempting serious weight loss since September 14 at a starting weight of 150 lbs. I weighed myself, half in high hopes of my successful fasting he last couple of days but also with the fear that the numbers wouldn't be low enough, in fear that the ever high numbers would send me reeling with anger and into an all hopes lost binge. The scale read 140.3 and at first I wanted to scream. "140?! What an enormous, fat, fucking number!" But once the initial, and always lingering, disappointment passed I thought, "ten pounds since I started" "that's not so bad" It's improvement at least, I have to take what I can get, I can't be just as greedy as my family was with there disgusting food. And so, I guess I'm ok with 140.3