Monday, September 26, 2011
Failure
That's all I am. FAILURE and FAT. Ugh, I couldn't fight it anymore, I ate. That's bull shit, I could fight it but I am too weak. I went into a frenzy to where I was barely even keeping track of calories. I can't even bring myself to tell you what I ate, I'm just not brave enough yet, but I calculated it at around 1000 calories with a little cushion room. 1000 calories. That's a 1000 more than I was supposed to eat for the next 5 days! And then I did something I have only done a handful of times and haven't done in forever. I purged. I crazily, violently purged until I spit gobs of blood. While it is nice knowing I didn't retain all those calories it worries me too. Watch out ladies and gentlemen, this appears to be way more complicated than we originally thought. At least it wasn't hard or complicated in the first place, right? I'm tired. I'm fat and I'm tired and I just want to sleep through all of my disappointment and shame and hatred of myself. But when I wake up it'll all be right there next to me on my pillow. But thankfully, Ana will be right there beneath it giving it purpose and showing me why. I feel all that because I am weak and I messed up. I feel all that because I am going to be beautiful and akinny one day. Thank you
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Everyone fails sometimes... There is always tomorrow, which I'm sure you don't want to hear. BUT perhaps you should go see a doctor about the blood - cuz that isn't normal? :( :( Sorry you had such a shit day. Always here for you if you need. :) Xo
ReplyDeleteEveryone fails and binges as some point. Just start your fast over and try again. I'm not brave enough to do a fast for that long. My longest fast is a day. So in my eyes.. You aren't a failure.
ReplyDeleteNow let's get to the important part… Why were you vomiting Blood?! That's crazy. Gobs of blood? I mean a little blood would be understandable(you just tore a small vessel.. But gobs.. You may need to go to the doctor for that.
Anyway, I hope everything gets better for you and I'm sure you'll do better on your next fast. =)
Everyone fails success comes to those who get back up and keep going! If it's any conselation at all I'm fasting with you! Lots of Love and hope your being safe!
ReplyDeleteAnd as a long time purger gobs of blood usually means a doctors visit. A little with green bile is pretty normal.
hope your okay!
with love
~Ell
I never managed to fast longer than 3 days
ReplyDeleteAs for the blood, hopefully you just hurt your mouth, that happens sometimes when purging. but try to stay away from that habit!!
Be strong honey. 3 days is not a failure.
xoxo
Lucy
I always firstly eat and unfortunatelly then think so I end up in bed thinking how disgusting can I be and how much I'll gain. Don't worry and keep on going.
ReplyDeleteI fail at fasting -it just does not suit my personality or my lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I'm happy you purged but I've been at that point where you just want all the food you binged out of your system so I understand why you did it.
But gobs of blood is not good at all.
You've lost 10 Pounds so don't beat yourself up, you've made a decision to lose weight so be proud of what you've accomplished.
p.s my title was from pink :)