I've been doing the bad kind of running

I don't know exactly what's gotten into me. I've got this switch in my brain, a defense mechanism of sorts, that flips when I get the least bit overwhelmed and after that I just avoid anything and everything that could cause me any stress. While this sounds good- like I never get stressed out or let things catch up to me- it's really like having mini nervous breakdowns all the damn time. However, my eati and weight can cause a full blown nervous breakdown after just a few days. So here I am, once again. I have got to stick to this, I have to remember that this is good for me. When I control my eating I feel like I have control in my life and things get to me much less easily, I can handle so much more. As long as I keep falling off the wagon my life will remain in shambles, a bunch of broken pieces that seem impossible to fit together. So anyway...

Survey Answers

1.) What is your weakness (food)? Ice cream, cheese, pasta, potato chips. Yeah a bunch of really bad shit.
2.) What is your safe food? (Something you can eat that is super low in calories but can fend off a binge.) Warning, I'm not staying entirely on topic. Ok, so there are a few things I do to try to stop myself from binging. One is smoke a cigarette. That probably works the best. But at the same time I can only chain smoke for so long and support a $6 per pack habit. The next thing I do is chew gum. Holy shit, I can chew a poece of gum for 24 hoirs straight and said no to food everytime. The thing is, I'm awful at remembering to put a damn piece in my mouth! My final trick, and I really think this is a good one- I make a salad, all spinach with onions, relish, and spicy brown mustard. I know it sounds fucking weird. But all of those foods are considered zero calorie/anti-calorie foods (which I legitimately believe in) and it has so much flavor!
3.) Is there a specific memory you have that you consider the start of your self hatred/loathing (in relation to food/weight)? Ugh. Two in particular. The first, when I was little I had a really bad temper and was very emotional. One time I had made a sandwich and some chips that my mom was giving me a hard time about having too much of. So I got upset, stormed outside and was cursing and kicking (keep in mind I was about 11) but little did i know my mom had followed me outside and she grabbed me by the arm that was holding my plate and food flung everywhere and she yelled at me, blah blah blah. The only feeling that is really associated with that memory is my disgust with myself that I had actually gotten enough food to start that kind of fight. This ian't fun guys... The second memory, me and my older brother were fighting (I was about 12 or 13) I don't even remember what about but I had just made a cup of ice cream and as I finally gave up he made some comment like "Whatever baby, just eat your freaking ice cream."
4.) What is your favorite part of your body? Least favorite? Favorite: collar bones/shoulders, hands. Least: my stomach pooch. I want the god damn thing gone so bad. Muffin top, love handles, chest. All of it is just too chunky. Oh and recently I've also developed this awful layer of fat over my ribs on my back. I'm quickly hating it as much as the rest.

Alright my loves, I'm done for now. That was exhausting. I hope to post again soon. All I've hqd to eat today was two spoonfukls of ice cream, one cup of coffee with brown sugar. <150 calories.

Oh and I weigh 143.8 I'm kind of indifferent on that weight. Less than I thought it was going to be, still way more than I want. Getting closer to not being a fat fuck? It's hard to be happy with a statement like that.